Perfume
by flyinvisible
Summary: Sometimes it's impossible to just forget.  Sometimes there's no place to hide.  Sometimes pain just breaks you down and you're not able to escpape.  One shot. WARNING: Character Death!
1. Perfume

_So I finally decided to give it a try._  
><em>Warning: Character death.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Perfume <strong>_

Until this moment she didn't know what pain was.

Until this one single moment she had not a single idea what it felt like to feel the pain of someone else, making it your own pain.  
>Darkness, everything was dark.<br>There seemed to be nothing, but the pain.  
>Nothing.<br>Just pain.  
>And something she didn't want to remember.<br>It only made her pain increase.

She had broken down the moment she had closed the door behind her.

Broken down because of the pain.  
>Because of the tears.<br>Because of the silence.  
>And because of the thing that was so clear but wasn't meant to be remembered.<p>

A few moments back she had been Kate Beckett.  
>No, it was wrong, a few hours ago she had been Katherine Beckett, and now she was nothing, the only thing she consisted of was pain.<br>Physical pain.  
>Mental pain.<br>She didn't care.

There were sounds in her head.  
>Again and again the same sound.<br>The loud, never ending tone, the breath, the stopping of breath and then the sound of the thing she didn't want to remember.

Kate got to know loss long ago.  
>She knew what pain was.<br>She knew what it felt like to lose somebody.  
>But this was different.<br>She had watched the lights go out.  
>The lights that had forced her back to life.<br>The lights that had shown her the good, the funny, the extraordinary.  
>She had watched them go out.<p>

Back then she had experienced pain.  
>Unbelievable pain.<br>But this time she wasn't going to survive the pain.

This was the end.

It was until then where she noticed red.  
>Everywhere.<br>Red all over her.  
>Blood.<br>His?  
>Hers?<p>

She hadn't cared until now.  
>But she needed it gone.<p>

She had no idea where her strength came from but somehow she made it to the bathroom.

Water.  
>Water.<br>Red Water.  
>She needed it gone.<p>

That was when she realized it.  
>She wasn't going to get rid of the thing she wanted so bad to forget.<br>It was like perfume that was all around her.  
>It was him.<br>Nothing but him.  
>Everything was him.<br>He was everywhere.  
>But he was gone.<p>

Rick Castle, who always had her back hadn't been able to flee from death this time.  
>He wouldn't just be able to rewrite the ending as if this was one of hies books.<p>

It was just one loud shot.  
>A breath.<br>Nothing.

No last words.  
>No final glance.<br>His eyes open.  
>Blue like the ocean.<p>

All she wanted was to forget about everything.  
>Good Times.<br>Bad Times.  
>Fights.<br>The Kiss.  
>Always.<br>The books.  
>Everything.<p>

She needed to forget.  
>She wasn't able to handle it this time.<br>She needed the strength, just like last time, when it was her mother lying there.  
>She hadn't been able to forget last time.<br>But this time she needed to.  
>She was broken.<br>Her wall was down.  
>She wasn't going to heal this time.<p>

But she knew she couldn't forget.  
>Everything around her was him.<br>She could move to another continent, but he would still be there, the same way as her mother was still there.

Because she remembered him.  
>Remembered his personal perfume.<br>The smell of him.  
>As long as she knew what he smelled like she would never forget.<br>And if she knew one thing: She couldn't forget what he smelled like.  
>So much like Castle.<br>So much like Rick.  
>So much him.<p>

And as this realization hit her she broke down from pain.  
>She was pain.<br>Everything was him.  
>And she wouldn't forget.<p>

She noticed the white of her bathroom.  
>A call from outside the door.<br>Her dad.  
>She had to be strong for him.<br>She tried to get up but again the memory of his smell overhelmed her.  
>She couldn't hide from this memory.<br>She needed a place to hide from it but there was nothing there.  
>She heard muffled voices, calling her name.<br>And then everything turned white.  
>Into nothing.<p>

* * *

><p><em>A few weeks back a friend of me said to me this sentence:<em>  
><em>"You can't forget somebody you care about as long as you still know what they smell like. "<em>  
><em>I immediately thought about Caskett.<em>  
><em>I couldn't get it out of my head and so I finally decided to write this down.<em>  
><em>I'm sorry, I know it's kind of sad.<em>  
><em>So there you go, judge away :)<em>


	2. Breathe

_Okay. I decided to write another chapter. Maybe this will turn out into more than just a few chapters. Maybe, maybe not!_  
><em>A big Thank You goes to bexiboo900 for beta-reading and support! Thank you 3<em>

* * *

><p>She woke up from the memory and a loud knock at the door.<p>

The pain was still there.  
>The tears had left her eyes long ago.<br>She wasn't even able to let them fall anymore.

She was empty, everything inside of her was empty.  
>There was nothing other than the pain and the memory.<p>

The knock again.  
>It was muffled, as if she were dreaming.<br>But there it was again.  
>She wasn't able to move just then.<br>She was still lying in her bathroom on the floor.  
>Broken down.<p>

In a white but so dark world.

"Kate?"  
>No, that couldn't be.<br>She stared down at her hands.  
>Slowly the memory of him came back.<br>She tried to hide it.

Hide it so she would never find it again.  
>But she could still smell him.<p>

"Kate?"  
>Again.<br>Her mind was playing with her.  
>No it couldn't be.<p>

But, didn't she just think about it being only a dream.

Somehow, she got up.  
>Painfully.<br>That was when she noticed his blood, still on her white shirt.

It took her some minutes to get to the door.  
>Finding the door handle.<br>Pushing it down with force.

Finding blue eyes.  
>Like an ocean.<br>Like him.

Blue.  
>Like him.<p>

He starts to babble something, asking her question.  
>She just watches him.<br>He had been dead.  
>Hours ago.<br>Dead on the floor with just a single breath.

After some time he noticed her speechlessness.

She had not said a single word.  
>Just watched him.<br>She had watched him being alive.

"You were dead.  
>You were dead.<br>Dead-  
>You-"<p>

She can't talk.  
>The pain is still there.<br>She can't believe.  
>How could she.<p>

"Kate. Look at me."  
>Slowly he moves his hand to her chin, lifting it up, forcing her to look into his eyes.<p>

"I'm here. I'm alive."  
>She stares into the blue.<br>The ocean.  
>Into him.<br>Lifting up her hand she places it at his cheek.  
>Touching him.<br>Feeling his warm skin against hers.

Warm.

Alive.

When she rests her forhead against his she whispers:  
>"Let-, let me just breathe you in, okay."<p>

And then they're breathing.  
>In.<p>

Out.

Breathing in sync.

And she takes in his scent.  
>She refreshes the memory of him.<br>The smell that broke her heart hours ago.

The lines get blurred.  
>Something is wrong.<br>But she can only concentrate on him.

Eyes closed.  
>Breathing in and out.<p>

It's probably the most intimate moment she's ever been in.  
>Everything is him.<br>"I'm here. I'm here." he repeats.  
>And his voice is like a melody.<br>Dancing with his smell.  
>In harmony.<p>

The room is getting white.  
>It's getting colder.<br>But still there's only Rick Castle for her.  
>"I'm here."<p>

* * *

><p>That's when she wakes up.<br>White everything is white.  
>She's back into the void.<br>He's everywhere but not there.

And then she breaks again.  
>Without tears.<p>

Her body shatters.

And again there's only the white.  
>The memory of the dream.<br>And the memory of him.  
>But he is gone.<br>Forever.

* * *

><p><em> probably hate me right now.<em>  
><em>I'm really sorry, but I had to write it down.<em>  
><em>Thoughts?<em>


	3. White

The next time she wakes the pain is gone.  
>It's no longer there.<br>It has just disappeared, just like he disappeared.

There's no pain inside her.  
>It's more that that.<br>Pain does not describe the way she feels.  
>She just wants to forget. <p>

The white of her bathroom is killing her.  
>White – like innocence.<br>White like him.  
>Yin and Yang.<br>White and black.  
>White like the snow.<br>Black like her life.  
>White like the snow.<br>And red. Too much red.  
>Red on white.<br>Blood on snow. 

He died in the snow.  
>Lying there looking so innocent but never peaceful.<br>So full of pain.

She remembered the colour of his face leaving him.  
>His face changed, but it never turned into peace. <p>

It had been a cold December day.  
>She had called him because a body dropped.<br>And then her whole world shattered.

She wasn't able to face the memory just yet.  
>That was when she realized she was freezing.<br>She didn't turn the heat up as she came back to her apartment hours ago.  
>But the worst was the cold in her heart.<br>All the warmth he had placed there had disappeared in that one second.  
>All the love he had been trying to give her was still there.<p>

And the knowledge of that killed her.

In these final second he had made his way through the wall she had built.  
>The wall was down.<br>Now.  
>Too late.<br>Just for a second they had been free.  
>Only for a second they had been able to feel the love of each other.<br>That one second there had been a them.  
>And than it just disappeared as his breath disappeared.<br>Into nothing.  
>And left her in the dark.<p>

It was the most heartbreaking sound she had ever heard.  
>His breath leaving him.<br>His lights turning out.  
>It broke her heart to remember it.<br>Rick Castle, the nine year old on a sugar rush had only one last breath.  
>No joke.<br>No last words.  
>Just a breath.<br>And then nothing. 

It was her mother all over again.  
>And in the same way it wasn't.<br>She would not be able to handle both.

Her mother.  
>Rick.<p>

Alexis.  
>Oh no, Alexis.<br>How was she able to forget Alexis!  
>She could never deal with that on her own.<p>

She recognized taht she was going to loose herself again.  
>But the thought of the girl kept her up.<br>She needed to be with her now.


End file.
